


Red Vespers

by FiascoWay



Series: The Mentalist Returns! [1]
Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Case Fic, Gen, Humor, Male-Female Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 15:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10539357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiascoWay/pseuds/FiascoWay
Summary: Let's put the 'mental' back into The Mentalist... Let's go back to a time when cases were crazy, the old CBI crew were still together and Red John was mostly out of the picture.In this installment the CBI team try to solve the murder of a porn entrepreneur, Jane finds an alternate mode of transport to his beloved Citroen and Lisbon tries to determine who let the air out of her tyre.





	

**Red Vespers**

It all started the day Jane rode a scooter to work. Lisbon was taking her first swallow of coffee as she idly watched a bright red Vespa pass through the boom gates. It took her several long seconds to realise the erect figure gliding through the car park was none other than her common sense impaired consultant, at which point she choked and nearly dribbled coffee out of her nose.

Naturally Jane spotted her gob smacked reaction and altered course to slide up to her, coat streaming theatrically behind him like a magician's cape.

"Morning Lisbon," he said smiling at her in serene contentment. The gentle put-put of the scooter covered the sound of Lisbon trying to force a mouthful of coffee down her throat rather than onto her chest. Jane's smile widened as he took in the effect he was having on her.

"What happened to your car?" She finally managed to splutter.

"In the garage. This is a loaner." He revved the little engine and executed a neat little 360. "You like?"

Jane should have known better. Lisbon liked cars with a bit of muscle. Lisbon liked cars that could run a perp off the road with no loss of integrity to the passenger cabin. Lisbon did not like tin foreign death traps. She liked them even less first thing in the morning and ridden by the most irritating man in the world.

Lisbon bit back a retort. She didn't have nearly enough caffeine in her system to have that kind of conversation. Instead she took a long drink coffee while giving him the dead eye. "We have a case; see you inside."

"Right away Lisbon!" Jane acknowledged. The front wheel jumped an inch off the ground as he fanged the Vespa down the lot.

Lisbon slapped copies of the case file in front of her team members. "Max Chambers was found dead outside his store a half hour ago."

Jane jiggled a teabag in his cup. "Why did we get this one?"

Lisbon frowned. "Unusual cause of death. Preliminary diagnosis is severe trauma to the groin and abdomen cause either by a point blank shot gun blast or a small explosive."

Rigsby and Cho crossed their legs simultaneously. Jane caught Grace's eye and grinned. She tried not to grin back.

Oblivious, Lisbon continued with the brief. "SAC PD have the scene but I want us to get out there as soon as possible, see what we can turn up." Just then her phone rang, she glanced at the number and frowned. "Minelli. OK you guys go ahead, I'll catch you up there."

The troops obediently marched to their SUV. On the way Jane muttered an incoherent excuse and veered off. Cho exchanged a look with his colleagues and shrugged. Jane could organise his own ride.

It was 35 minutes before Lisbon got off the call. It seemed Minelli had been taking heat from the professional standards board. No prizes for guessing who was responsible.

She power walked to the car park and was about to get into her car when she noticed the flat tyre. She took a second to survey the damage then changed course towards Property for a CBI vehicle. Jane was standing outside it finishing a call. He spotted Lisbon and snapped his phone shut. "Why aren't you at the scene already?"

She smoothly stepped around Jane. "Flat tyre. Getting a car from the pool."

Jane called after her. "They're all gone. Bosco's team had a joint operation with Organised Crime."

Lisbon's shoulders slumped in frustration as she recalled the memo.

Her consultant stepped back into her field of vision and grinned. "Fear not Lisbon, I have a solution."

* * *

Lisbon stared in disbelief at the little red Vespa. "You've got to be kidding me. I'm not risking my life on that…"

"Time's-a-wasting" said Jane briskly. He handed Lisbon a bike helmet.

Still blindsided by the bizarre sequence of events, she meekly accepted it. The helmet was an old school design, like a black ping pong ball with the face cut out and little visor above. There were daisies painted on it.

"What about you?" she asked, clutching at straws.

Jane smirked. "I've got this," he said, patting his thick curls.

"Like that's going to help in a crash!"

Jane merely looked at her. She knew how much product went into his hair. It had survived hostage situations, explosions, scores of slaps from insulted witnesses with nary a strand out of place.

Defeated, Lisbon jammed the helmet on her head and slouched awkwardly onto the back of the Vespa. "If I end up on social media you're a dead man." Nothing in her flat tone of voice suggested she was kidding.

Jane didn't push his luck too much. Just stepped into the front seat and fired up the little engine. He gave it a few experimental revs and then let out the clutch. "Let's ride!" he crowed.

Clutching helplessly to her consultant's waist, tough cop Lisbon died a little inside.

* * *

Lisbon tried to get Jane to pull over a half block from the crime scene but he ignored her and drove right up to the barrier. Lisbon jerked off the helmet and threw it in Jane's direction without even looking back. She tried to ignore the side glances she was getting from the uniforms as she stalked past the cordon. Lisbon had an unpleasant flashback to a walk of shame from her college days before the body commanded her full attention.

Max was laid out on his back outside of a shop front. His wore an expression of extreme surprise, clearly he hadn't expected bloody ruin to be visited to his crotch and stomach. Given he'd died outside a large sex shop, the manner of death had a whiff of poetic justice to it.

Cho appeared at Lisbon's side, a quick glance from the Vespa to her and back the only hint at his surprise. Lisbon relaxed her posture a fraction. Thank god for non-communicative subordinates. "What have you got?"

Cho began rattling off details. "Max Chambers was the owner of large adult store called Maximum Pleasure. Death occurred between 6 and 8am but there were no direct witnesses. Van Pelt and Rigsby are interviewing Tiffany Phillips, shop assistant and unofficial secretary for Chambers." Cho nodded towards a pneumatic young woman in heels and short skirt who was talking with Lisbon's agents. Rigsby's attention seemed to be quite fixated on Tiffany, a fact not missed by Grace, judging by the crossed arms and tapping foot.

Grace caught sight of Lisbon and did a double take, her eyes sliding up to the top of her head before returning to Rigsby and Tiffany. Lisbon patted at her hair and confirmed her worst fears. Jane was so going to pay for what happened.

Her infuriating consultant had just completed his close inspection of the victim. Levering himself up he cast his eye around the crime scene, taking in details that others didn't think to heed. Something caught his eye and he stooped to pick up an object hanging from the grate of a storm drain. He held it up in triumph. "Oh Lisbonnnnnn!"

Lisbon closed her eyes for a second. _If he wasn't so goddam useful…_

* * *

Lisbon commandeered the SUV for the drive back to the office. The lunch time traffic was a bear and her lips tightened in annoyance as Jane's Vespa weaved serenely between two traffic lanes and out of sight. The cheerful little toot he sounded as he passed the SUV did nothing good for her blood pressure. Lisbon vowed there and then she would never be caught near 'Satan's scooter' again.

The team convened in the bullpen to compare findings. Cho had word from the coroner confirming cause of death was an explosive device. Grace re-capped her interview with Ms Phillips. She'd allowed them to look at Max's planner. That morning had been clear of meetings except for a cryptic note saying "Crazy Penguin."

On hearing about the note Jane sat up excitedly. "Aha!"

Lisbon fingered the evidence bag containing a set of rosary beads. "Is this the sort of 'aha' where you're about to accuse a nun of blowing up a porn peddler outside of a sex shop?

Jane's smile was both radiant and patronising. "Very good Lisbon! Soon you won't need my services at all."

The younger agents exchanged glances. This was going to be good.

Lisbon pinched the bridge of her nose wearily. The fact she was now able to guess where Jane's thoughts were running half the time was as frightening as it was intellectually satisfying. She considered various scenarios before deciding on a new approach.

"Fine. Get me one more piece of evidence linking the killing to someone from the holy orders and I'll try talk to Minelli into letting you loose in the nearest monastery. You've got the rest of the day to convince me while I see about getting my car fixed."

She stalked out of the bullpen cursing all consultants and their refusal to make things normal or easy. Her only consolation was the slightly disappointed looks on the rest of her team at the lack of fireworks. Served them right.

* * *

Grace found the connection. While researching nearby monasteries she discovered the site of the sex shop was formerly the location of the Carmelite Nuns of Sacramento. Founded in 1935, it was home to the order until their re-location to the El Dorado forest in '80s. Over time the farming area became part of greater Sacramento and the old monastic lands were developed into commercial storefronts. Two years ago Max Chambers signed a lease for the store in order to expand his thriving adult business.

Lisbon stood with her arms crossed as she listened to the evidence. "That's pretty thin, even for you Jane."

The consultant lounged nonchalantly on his couch. "A deal's a deal Lisbon. We have a dead sex shop owner killed outside of his store which is located on the site of an old monastery. Not only that but I found a rosary at the scene and most importantly of all, Chambers was meeting a 'crazy penguin'. Surely a good catholic girl like you is aware of that particular nickname?"

Lisbon glanced at her watch; it was past time for everyone to call it a day. "Fine," she conceded wearily. "We'll drive out to Eldorado Forest tomorrow. Cho, I want you to follow up on the type of explosive used; how it was put together and where the killer might have got it from."

Rigsby and Van Pelt, I want you to go back to Maximum Pleasure and go over Tiffany's statement again. Go hard on the threats angle. If Max was killed over his business, chances are they tried to warn him off first. Is everyone clear?"

"Take Van Pelt to Maximum Pleasure and go hard..." Rigsby recapped without really thinking.

Four pairs of eyes stared at him incredulously. "What?" said Rigsby in confusion. Then he blushed as his brain caught up his words. "Take Van Pelt and go hard on Tiffany, I mean QUESTION Tiffany. Oh you guys know what I mean!" He shot his team a look of mute appeal.

Grace, even more embarrassed than Rigsby kept her face downturned while Jane looked like all he needed was a bag of popcorn to make his evening's entertainment complete. Wayne looked to Cho for help but his partner just gave him a trademark deadpan expression before saying "We know exactly what you mean."

Lisbon shook her head in amusement. "Thank god that's cleared up." She didn't bother hiding her smile. "I want everyone out of this office in five minutes."

* * *

The next morning Lisbon sat primly behind the wheel of her SUV as they made the long drive out to Eldorado Forest. Jane lounged in the passenger seat, bored. Lisbon's eyes were fixed determinedly on the road. They'd already argued over taking the Vespa, the cause of Lisbon's mysterious flat tyre, the best route and whether to stop for tea. She knew he was deliberately pressing her buttons out of idle mischief but that didn't make it any less annoying.

While refusing to talk to Jane, she thought over the case. Jane's supposition was quite ridiculous and the thought of what he might get up with a bunch of nuns was frankly terrifying.

Still, he was their consultant for a reason and she wouldn't be much of a senior agent if she didn't know when to trust her people's judgement.

Jane shifted restlessly in his seat. The silent treatment was getting to him. "Why so glum, Lisbon? Are your catholic sensibilities upset by the thought of a ninja nun or are you still pissed over having to ride the Vespa?"

Lisbon's grip tightened fractionally. "For the sake of our working relationship I suggest you never mention the Vespa again."

Jane's grin teased at Lisbon. "Oh come on. Don't tell me there wasn't at least one cool guy at high school you were secretly hoping would take you for a ride on his motorbike."

Lisbon smiled at an old memory. "Guess again." She waited a beat. "I was the one with the bike and it wasn't a pissy little Vespa."

Jane was openly delighted. "Outstanding Agent Lisbon! In that case you should have plenty to confess when we meet the good sisters."

* * *

The brittle sound of dried twigs crunching under tires accompanied them for the last mile of the drive. The monastery (really just a modernist two story prefab) was set back in the forest. The dappled sunlight filtering through the trees made even the austere wood and concrete façade look inviting.

The clunk of their car doors sounded unnatural in the peaceful setting. As they made their way to the entrance Lisbon hissed a final warning at Jane. "Try and behave yourself. These people don't deserve to be mocked for their faith."

Jane pretended to look offended as he took a detour to pass by an old pickup truck parked haphazardly to the side of the building. He spared a condescending glance at Lisbon. "Believe me, I have no interest in trying to free them of their delusions. The gullible masses rarely appreciate being given a little clarity." He peered over the back of the track. It was full of gardening supplies, mostly fertilizers in large plastic drums.

Lisbon glared at Jane then gave the truck a once over. A sturdy seat cushion was sitting incongruously amongst the sacks and containers. She shrugged and stalked up to the front door. She had her hand half raised to knock when the door creaked open. Lisbon dropped her arm like she's been caught pick-pocketing. Three seconds in and she already felt like she was back in 8th grade with sister Constance bearing down on her with a wooden ruler.

A middle aged woman with a kind, unlined face greeted them. "Good morning, how can I help you?"

Lisbon assumed a professional expression. "I'm Special Agent Teresa Lisbon of the CBI and this is my consultant Patrick Jane. There was an incident at the site of your old monastery in Sacramento and we were just looking to get a some background information."

"We think one of your nuns blew someone up with a bomb," Jane added. "Did you do it?" he asked as he subjected her to an intense stare.

"Wha, what did he say?" the Sister asked in confusion.

"I said oooof!" The pointy end of Lisbon's elbow cannoned into Jane's sternum, silencing him.

Lisbon's reassuring smile was looking decidedly false. "I'm sorry we can't share details of an ongoing investigation. If we could come inside…"

"A cup of tea would be lovely too," Jane croaked.

The nun took them to an empty study where the conversation continued over a cup of chamomile tea.

"I'm Sister Assumpta and I'd be happy to help you however I can. Having said that, I don't see how anyone here could be involved with something so terrible. This is a spiritual retreat; no-one here has any interest in or involvement with the outside world."

Jane smiled warmly and clasped her hand between his. "Thank you sister, for your offer of support. You have a lovely place here, how did that come about? I understand you were once part of the Carmelite monastery in Sacramento?"

Sister Assumpta nodded. "Yes, that's right. Our chapter was founded on the outskirts of Sacramento but as the city expanded we found the isolation of our retreat being compromised. We follow the Carmelite path as laid down by St Teresa."

Jane couldn't have looked more pleased. "Saint Teresa," he breathed. Lisbon shot him a warning look.

Assumpta continued. "As I was saying our initial home was surrounded by the sins and temptations of a large city. It wasn't at all conducive to the spiritual needs of our community. When a wealthy benefactor gave us the lands out here we took the opportunity to build a new home. At last we had the freedom to practice the Teresean Way in peace. "

Jane waggled his head wisely. "Indeed. I think we could all benefit from following the Teresean way." He shot a mischievous look at Lisbon, who looked like she was fit to die of mortification. He could see her mentally cataloguing the many ways he would work this visit into the conversation. "How many sisters are there in this community?

"We're only a small order, not many feel the calling anymore. We are just 14 souls."

Jane drained his near scalding cup of tea in one great gulp. "I'll just return this to the kitchen," he said, aiming a disarming smile at Sister Assumpta. "While I'm gone you might to expand on the Teresean way to my colleague here. She considered taking up holy orders until she felt a different calling." He patted Lisbon firmly on the knee to forestall her protest and scooted from the room, with a smile of wicked delight.

Lisbon gazed helplessly at the Assumpta who positively beamed at her. "Our order is named after your namesake, Saint Teresa…"

Jane slipped into the kitchen and left his teacup on the counter. Hearing conversation from the next room he walked into the refectory where the sisters were enjoying a communal lunch. "Hellooo ladies," he crooned. A dozen faces looked up and performed double takes as they took in the full dazzling effect of his burnt blonde curls and megawatt smile. He maintained the smile as he seated himself between two of them. "Got room for one more?"

* * *

Lisbon half ran out of the monastery like a teenager leaving the scene of a crime. Jane was even less dignified, accelerating past Lisbon in a mad panic as howls of outrage charged the air. "SATAN SPORN! FORNICATOR! FALSE WITNESS! HEATHEN!

An evil corner of Lisbon's heart was very tempted to leave Jane to his fate. They leapt into the SUV and Lisbon was flooring it before Jane even had a chance to buckle in. In the rear vision mirror she awful compact form of Sister Agnes lurch out the front door.

"Jesus Jane! Did you have to be so rude?"

Now that he was safe in the car Jane's bravado returned. "It's a puzzler, Lisbon. Normally the old ladies love me…"

"Normally you don't accuse 80 year old ladies of being sexually frustrated!"

There was a second's silence as both of them contemplated the horrid scenario they'd just fled.

Lisbon compressed her lips to no avail. The absurdity of the situation was steadily forcing them upwards.

For a second Jane managed to look contrite. "I honestly don't know where that came from but it definitely got a reaction."

"I'll say, she damn near swiped your nose off." Lisbon was grinning openly now.

Jane briefly touched the injured organ to ensure it was intact. "She was deceptively spry, I'll give her that."

"Definitely in line for Sainthood," Lisbon mused. "She could be patron saint of wronged suspects, god knows there's enough of them."

"Hmm," said Jane, lapsing into silence just as Lisbon was warming up to gently ribbing him. She was tempted to prod him further but recognised his brain was busily at work, turning things over, examining different angles. With a sigh she focussed back on the road. They appeared no closer to a break in the case and she was regretting the time lost to and from Eldorado forest. She could just see her inbox piling up as the SUV ate up the long miles.

After some time Jane gave up on working through the permutations of the case, preferring to let his subconscious to do the leg work for a while. He allowed himself to drift into a half sleep where he played the old game of trying to recall every detail of a random day when his wife and child were still alive...

* * *

Lisbon ended the call and sighed. She cast a regretful look at her half eaten sandwich. On a whim she snatched it up before marching into the bullpen and surveyed her team. Rigsby was leaning over Grace's shoulder, peering intently at something on her screen. Cho was making a brief entry in his notepad and Jane was lying on his couch, dangling a set of rosary beads above his face.

"What have we got, people?" Lisbon asked as she rolled her neck.

Cho looked up. "Lab report on the bomb. It was an I.E.D of some sort. They suspect something home made using ammonium nitrate."

Grace's desk phone rang and she took the call. Lisbon turned her attention to Rigsby. "What else have you dug up on Chambers?"

Rigsby shrugged. "He looks to have been totally clean, apart from *cough* running a porn supermarket. No girlfriend, no lovers, filed his taxes on time. No record."

Lisbon resisted the temptation to glare at Rigsby like he was personally responsible for the lack leads.

Grace finished her call. "Boss," she said urgently. "That was Tiffany. Someone just made a bomb threat against the shop."

Lisbon perked up at the news. "What did the person sound like? Were they familiar to her?"

Grace straitened in her chair. "I can do better than that, boss. I had the phone company all ready to provide the in and outgoing calls. I can trace it back within five minutes." She placed a call through to the phone company.

"Good work Van Pelt, get right on it. Cho, Rigsby, suit up. You're going to wherever that call came from."

"It a public phone in George Town," Grace supplied. One ear still pressed to her phone she jotted down further details.

Lisbon turned to Jane. "We passed through George Town just a couple miles before reaching the monastery."

"Jane gleefully clapped his hands together. "I told you Lisbon!" He watched her draw breath and hastily turned to the others. " _I told her…_ " he stage whispered. "She wouldn't believe me but… Urrrk!" The remains of Lisbon's sandwich bounced off the side of his head.

"Oooowwwww!" Jane whined." "I was hoping some of the Teresean way would have rubbed off on you!"

"Keep that up and I'll give you seconds," Lisbon threatened.

Cho was about to ask what Jane meant but one look at his boss's face and he wisely dropped it.

Lisbon swiftly assigned Cho and Rigsby to driving out to Georgetown to work with the local sheriff's department for any evidence that could be gleaned. Van Pelt was assigned to monitor for any further incoming threats.

Lisbon glared at Jane who was still rubbing the side of his head in mock pain. With an exaggerated sigh she returned to her office and the backlog of emails demanding her attention. Behind her she heard Jane begin to hum tunelessly.

It was late afternoon when Lisbon glanced up to see Jane leaning in her doorway. "Still wading through emails?" he asked.

"It never ends," Lisbon sighed.

Jane took a seat on her couch and hummed appreciatively. "You know one day you're going to look back on your life and curse the fact you spent so much of it hunched over a computer."

Lisbon smiled wryly. "Well we can't all live our lives like gentlemen of leisure." A thought struck her. "You're not about to suggest we go all the way back out to the Carmelites? I don't think I can face Assumpta putting the hard word on me again."

"How do we solve a problem like Teresa…" Jane sang.

Lisbon mock glared. "Ha Ha. Seriously did you think any of those nuns was capable of murder?"

Jane breathed out in frustration. "Well that vicious old fossil certainly had a murderous disposition."

Lisbon smiled at the memory. "Uncommon good sense if you ask me. Too bad she's no good as a suspect. How would she know about making home-made bombs? Not to mention how she got to Georgetown let alone Sacramento. I doubt she could see over the top of a steering wheel."

Jane was nodding along with Lisbon's points when suddenly a smile illuminated his face. "That's it, Lisbon!"

Lisbon eyed him curiously.

"She couldn't have seen over the top of the steering wheel. Remember the truck that was parked outside the monastery. Do you recall what was in it?

Lisbon frowned in concentration. "It was mostly garden supplies and a… seat cushion?"

"Exactly!" Jane beamed. It's quite common for short people to use a seat cushion to sit a little higher in the car. Also, aren't certain types of fertilizer a good source of Ammonium Nitrate?"

"Still sounds like you're drawing a long bow…" said Lisbon musingly. Jane didn't bother arguing his point further. It was the tone of voice Lisbon used when thinking of how to convince a judge.

She shifted decisively. "Before we request a warrant let's have Cho and Rigsby swing by the monastery and take a look at the grounds, ask some follow up questions."

Jane held his index finger to his lips then pointed it at Lisbon. "Have them ask if they have internet on site and if so, who's in charge of running it."

"Roger that," said Lisbon reaching for her phone.

* * *

Half an hour later Lisbon got off the phone again and turned to Jane, who was sitting expectantly on her couch. "That was Cho and Rigsby. Agnes is gone and so's the pickup truck. According to the nuns she left about two hours ago." Seeing Jane about to ask a question Lisbon held up a hand. "Yes," she said tiredly. "She was in charge of the internet too."

"I knew it!" Said Jane with a mixture of chagrin and admiration. "So stupid of me. I made the sort of dumb assumptions that you cops love to make."

"Hey!" Lisbon interjected.

"… all I saw was a physically weak old woman rather than the vindictive killer she clearly was. I underestimated her because of her age." He leapt out of the couch and began to pace agitatedly. "We have to get after her right away!"

Lisbon looked mildly amused by his zeal. "What's the hurry?"

"She's had a two hour start and unless we get onto her trail soon she'll disappear completely!"

Lisbon misread his concern. "Relax. Even you can't always pick the killer first time. I'll put a BOLO out on her and the local cops can bring her in. She's an old woman. The only way she'll disappear is if she keels over dead."

Jane wasn't appeased. "What if she isn't trying to run? What if she's about to drive into Sacramento and blow up the sex supermarket?"

Lisbon suddenly looked serious. "The truck…"

Jane nodded urgently. "That's right Lisbon, the truck. What if that wasn't just garden supplies we saw. What if the whole truck was rigged to blow?"

Lisbon hurried to her car with Jane striding alongside her. "Grace has put out the BOLO but we need get to the store right away. Something tells me SAC PD might underestimate her just like we did."

They pulled out of the parking lot and drove towards the gate when they saw the over turned service truck blocking the exit. Cars were banked up in each direction waiting for the obstruction to be cleared. Judging by the frayed tempers and tooting horns it had already been held up for some time.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," Lisbon groused.

"Never fear Lisbon," Jane said as he surveyed the chaos. "I just so happen to have a mode of transportation that can weave its way through that mess."

"No." Lisbon snapped as comprehension dawned.

"C'mon," Jane cajoled. This is bigger than maintaining your cop machismo. We have a killer to stop." Jane smiled in triumph when he saw Lisbon slump in defeat.

"God hates me, that's what it is," Lisbon muttered as they made their way towards the hated scooter. "I could have lived a life of seclusion away from the evils of Vespa riding society but I spurned Him." She took her seat and put her arms around Jane's waist with the same enthusiasm she showed for searching a dumpster. "…and now He punishes me. With you."

As they approached the mayhem out the front of the CBI Lisbon kept her head down, hoping no-one would see her. Jane slowed the Vespa as he began carefully negotiating a path through the stationary vehicles.

It was just Lisbon's luck that one of Jane's looping manoeuvres brought them squarely within the eye line of Hicks in the passenger of an SUV. He burst into a grin and then elbowed the driver. The driver was Bosco. The senior agent's jaw went slack at the sight of Teresa perched behind Jane on the bright red Vespa. Lisbon cringed internally when instead of laughing with his colleague, Bosco shot her a look of abject betrayal. Jane was _so_ going to pay.

Once they cleared the Traffic snarl Lisbon became increasingly frustrated with the Vespa's lack of speed. Jane gamely revved the little engine but it simply wasn't coping with carrying two adults uphill. In her mind Lisbon could see the vicious nun with her deadly payload pulling up outside Maximum Pleasure and blowing everyone to smithereens.

As the Vespa pulled up at a set of lights, Lisbon looked around despairingly. On the sidewalk a middle aged man was preparing to start his mid-life crisis Harley. Lisbon grinned fiercely as she whacked Jane on the shoulder to get his attention. _Upgrade time_.

The overweight business man was completely blindsided when Lisbon, badge in hand, commandeered the bike. "Don't worry, You'll get it back." She assured him as she hustled him to the sidewalk. Jane continued to sit defiantly on the Vespa. "Jane!" Lisbon shouted with relish. "Harley. Now!"

Defeated, Jane moped his way to the back of the bike. He collapsed on the seat with a resigned sigh, then blinked in surprise as his nose was suddenly inches from Lisbon's pert little bottom. She stamped down on the starter and the engine roared to life first try. She plonked back down and accelerated them through the lights. The whiplash served to snap Jane's mouth shut. That image of Lisbon's derrière would certainly be an interesting addition to his memory palace.

Behind them the business man shook off his surprise and jumped onto the Vespa. He put-putted after the Harley in furious pursuit.

They roared at break neck speed down Carter Drive. Jane hated the lack of control but his objections were drowned in cascades of Lisbon's pleasantly scented hair as it whipped about in the slipstream.

Sister Agnes was just getting out of her truck when Lisbon screeched to halt. She was out of her seat and gun drawn before the nun knew what hit her.

"Put your hands up and step away from the vehicle." Lisbon's authoritarian tone barely wavered, but there was no denying it felt wrong to be threatening a little old nun with a firearm. The foot traffic on the street clearly thought the same as not a few dirty looks were thrown in her direction.

Agnes straightened up fearlessly. "You wouldn't dare shoot me, I'm doing God's work."

Lisbon supressed her qualms and steadied her firearm. "Step back, now." She felt rather than saw Jane half hiding behind her.

"You'd better do as she says," he supplied helpfully.

Agnes straightened to her full if unimpressive height. "That pit of sin must be expunged. It is an open mockery of the Teresean Way."

Lisbon weighed the odds of her being able to tackle her to the ground. She would never admit it, but the old bird was intimidating as hell. Her calculations were interrupted by Jane tapping her nervously on the shoulder.

"Not now Jane!" she hissed.

Jane tapped her lightly again. "Ah Lisbon, you really gotta see this…"

Lisbon was about to respond when she heard it. The hated, put-put of an overworked Vespa engine. The next second it zoomed past her with a tinny squeal of brakes as the fat businessman's mass proved too much for the brakes to handle.

He stopped just short of bowling over Agnes. Fixated on retrieving his property he ignored the nun and stalked towards Lisbon. Brandishing her firearm, Lisbon shouted at him to get out of the way but it was too late.

Sensing her opportunity, Sister Agnes leapt onto the still running Vespa. Gunning the tiny engine the nun sped away like a slow moving bat from hell, wimple trailing in the breeze. Lisbon's lips thinned in annoyance. Stepping around the business man who'd finally noticed her weapon and backed off, she carefully tracked the little Vespa. Squinting in the waning light she squeezed off a round. It struck the engine and a thick curl smoke leaked out of the bullet hole. There was a dull clank and the scooter ground to a halt. Seconds later SAC PD arrived in a swarm of flashing squad cars. Sister Agnes limped clear of the stricken Vespa but barely made it 30 yards before being surrounded by a group of awkward uniforms.

Lisbon resisted the temptation to blow on her glock before smoothly holstering it. Jane looked at her in shock. "You shot my Vespa!" In the background a crop tried to lay hands on Agnes and was thwacked over the head by a very thick bible.

Lisbon shrugged away a twinge of guilt. "The perp was getting away; it was a righteous kill."

Jane stared at her like she'd just clubbed a baby seal. Behind them the Vespa caught fire with a dull whump. It disappeared in a cloud of dirty black smoke, except for the seat, which flew straight up in the air.

"You never liked my Vespa!" Jane whined as he took in the small mushroom cloud that was all that remained of his precious scooter.

Lisbon turned away to hide her smile. Jane turned his attention back to her. "You did that on purpose!" His accusation was punctuated by the flaming seat smacking down between them. It sat there like a burning finger of blame.

Only years of professionalism allowed Lisbon to put on a straight face. Jane's shoulders slumped in defeat. "I fully intent to lodge a complaint with your boss!" he threatened lamely.

Lisbon hummed contentedly as she made a show of adjusting her leather jacket. Her consultant was staring at the flaming Vesper like a child who'd just dropped their ice cream. "Come on Jane," she said tugging on his arm.

Sometimes, maybe once in a blue moon, the gods handed her sweet and utter victory. In those rare instances she could afford to be magnanimous and afford him a little pampering. "How about a nice hot cup of tea and a lie down on the couch," she suggested. Jane grumbled inarticulately but let himself be led away.

As they walked off into the darkness her teasing voice lingered in the smoky air. "If you really feel that strongly about my actions I'm sure Minelli will give you a fair hearing. It's not like your antics just got him dragged in front of the professional standard's board…"

**The End.**

**A/N Well that was a lot of fun, hope you enjoyed it too. A big thanks to Hayseed Socrates for beta-ing and making this a much better story. Her great ear for Lisbon's voice in particular was really helpful.**

**This is the first in a series of stand-alone episodes. Patrick Jane and the CBI will return soon in Bordeaux-line Behaviour.**


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